Feeling rested is something I long for. I am constantly imagining the wakefulness, the refreshment and the satisfaction of waking up ready for another day. Sadly, this never seems to happen.
I’ve been thinking about why I feel so run down all the time. I blame my job, I blame TV, Youtube, society, even myself for being lazy. However, none of those reasons seem quite right. And before I continue, I don’t have an answer in this blog post, so if you’re here looking for a reason as to why you feel like crap even though you did all the things you’re “supposed” to do to not feel like crap, I’m sorry. I wish I could help.
So, where does that elusive feeling come from? Meditation? Changes in diet? Sleep? Discipline? I have an awful time finding it. I can’t force it, will it or imagine it. I refuse to believe a human being should feel tired, cranky and bleh all the time every single day.
And then, is that a belief forced onto me from society? Do I expect to feel good every day so that when I don’t, I look for the multitude of products that are supposed to make me feel better? I could go in circles about that, but I’m too tired right now.
In times like these I find even more respite in minimalism. Visual minimalism especially, as my head is overwhelmed usually by simply getting up in the morning. Every object I look at seems to suck more energy and motivation from me. Interactions are physically painful. I would rather hide under my desk at work than even look at the phone ringing again. And it builds. The next day, the next day, the day after that. I’m in some other dimension by the end of my work week. I can’t recover in two days and then it starts all over again.
I guess I’m unsatisfied with working. Or maybe this is my default personality? I missed out on soul-searching as I had to work from home while things were on lockdown. Instead, I’ve made an unfortunate association between work and my bedroom. Now I have no place to relax. But I don’t know how to relax either. I couldn’t even begin to explain the complications I have with leisure, the glamorization of busy, and the incessant shove from society to be “productive” and good at everything, always, and to want to work harder, be better, do more. I’m sure that’s a topic for another post.
How do you find rest?
Please let me know so we can find some together.